This isn’t the typical list of paradoxes, which I appreciate. And like all good lists, this one goes to eleven:
11. When a client says the words — “you have complete creative freedom,” they never mean complete creative freedom. Whatever you show them, they will find a problem with. Happens every time.
dear anni…
Dear Anni,
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I’m in love with your cat. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg outside of your office, and I saw you carve your initials into my father. I’m sure you’re sterile enough to understand that I only get turned on by garbage men. I’m returning your toe ring to you, but I’ll keep the results of that blood sample as a memory. You should also know that I will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard and you should get that embarrassing rash checked out.Please, don’t lick my inner thighs anymore,
Lorrie. <3 (Don’t worry. We can still be friends.)—
HERE’S HOW YOU DO IT:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12)
Your Name.
1) What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue - I’m in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - The rainbow hedgehogs want to destroy you
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don’t match
Grey - You’re a leprechaun
Yellow - I’m selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - I’m joining the Convent
Other -I dislike your eyelashes
2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February - When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear
3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper
4) What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over
5) What’s the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadiens’ goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your “My Little Pony” collection
Other —The elephant in the corner
6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed
House- Sterile
7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I’m allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks
8) What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your _________
9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards
10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Get sick when I think of your feet
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Love your sweet, sweet ass
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you
11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I love Oprah
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I’m scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose
12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself
Italy - Please, don’t lick my inner thighs anymore
Alphabet
A is for area: Freeport/Houston, Texas
B is for boob size: 24+24+D+D+D… Add it up son.
C is for career: Musician, Photographer, Student, and most recently, Designer and artist
D is for your dog: Two Chihuahuas: Boy-Neko (half Maltese) Girl: Precious (half Rat Terrier)
E is for essential items you use everyday: Toothbrush, toothpaste, shower, clothes, jewelry, shoes, computer, phone, paper, pen/pencil, make-up, clothes, Zune, camera… There’s probably more to this, but I can’t think of everything.
F is for favorite song at the moment: I have MANY favorite songs at the moment, but the one I listen to the most is probably “For All Time” by Michael Jackson
G is for favorite games: Video Games: Metal Gear Solid Series, Final Fantasy Series, Onimusha Series, Kingdom Hearts Series, Tekken Series, and Racing games. Other: Monopoly, Mahjong, Solitaire, and a few others I can’t think of right now.
H is for hometown: Freeport, Texas
I is for instruments you play: piano and a little guitar
J is for Jam flavor on your PBJ: Apple or grape. I haven’t tried any other kinds
K is for kids you last saw: My little cousins, and these cute little kids at a hospital.
L is for last kiss: I haven’t even had my first kiss!
M is for fondest memory: I have way too many to just say one…
N is for name of your crush: Phatty and KiD CuDi. There’s one or two more that I can think of.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Haven’t had one just yet, not that I’m complaining.
P is for phobias: Spiders, nasty looking insects, FEET(UGH!!!), and a few others I can’t think of at the moment.
Q is for favorite Quote: “Study the greats, and be greater…” - Michael Jackson
R is for biggest regrets: I don’t have any just yet…
S is for status: Single and proud of it!
T is for time you wake up: I woke up about 4 times today before I actually got out of bed. Once at 7, next at 8:30, then at 10:30, then at 12 when I got out of bed…
U is for underwear type: Underwear that girls wear… Kinda question is that????
V is for vegetable you love: Carrots and sweet corn and Lettuce
W is for worst habit: biting my nails/picking with my nails
X is for x-rays you’ve had: Wrist, leg, ankle, and soon chest.
Y is for yummy food you make: A variety; whatever I put my mind to cooking.
Z is for last Zoo visited: Houston… And that was YEARS ago! maybe I’ll go next week.
Jesus is hiding from SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.
- Judas: Hey guys, has anyone seen Jesus?
- Peter: Nope.
- Matthew: Nuh-uh.
- Jeebus: No.
- Judas: Wait, who are you?
- Jeebus: I am Jeebus. I'm new.
- Judas: Jesus, is that you?
- Jeebus: No, I am Jeebus. You must not be hearing me. Probably because you're gay.
- Judas: Whatever. By the way, that's the worst fake mustache I've ever seen, Jesus.
- Jeebus: I'm not Jesus.
- Judas: Alright -- if you're not Jesus, then where is he?
- Jeebus: He's ... out doing good works.
- Judas: I don't think we're talking about the same Jesus.
- Jeebus: Jesus said you'd be like this.
